My lesson on self-worthiness, and again I have an urge to share with you about it.
I can call myself a typical workaholic. I’m always aware I have self worthiness obstacles. But I’m not aware how and why it is affecting my life, on the unconscious level. This time, I experience the profound & unconditional love from the universe reaching to us in whatever way it could.
There has been a song ringing into my heart once I woke up for the past week, so I sang a long few notes and felt lighthearted. And, as Julian told us, I said “Good morning Cass, I love you” and joyfully went to water my beloved plants.
The spiritual nudge and purging
Friday afternoon, out of gut feeling I joined Mandi’s singing bowl testing in the chat room. Mandi asked me “Cass you are so silent, would you like to share something?” I also don’t know why I tend to be silent in the group, but I feel good to be here. She asked about my baby deer… my tears just couldn’t stop, because the loss from the accident was still something I am digesting, only my family knows that my deer has passed. Eventually the girls start some card reading. Ildiko reached out to me and generously offered me a reading. I was so touched, especially that we've never talked to each other before. Yes, I know there’s kindness and unconditional love when I give out, but it’s never easy for me to receive. With her compassionate reading, she reminded me of many points that touched my nerves and brought me into deep thoughts. She said some things will surface and my guides will nudge me in the coming few days. Mellisa also came into the chat room, her present shining with what I needed at that moment. At last, Ildiko picked a card of a “Horse -Freedom” for me. Yes! I used to meet him in my shamanic journey, my spirit animal once brought me to him. I could instantly feel the joy of wild horses running by the sea. (Thank you girls! I knew angel brought me to you that day )
At night, I connected to a wild horse through animal communication. I have no expectations, I just want to be with the energy. I felt the horse’s assertiveness and joy to be who he is. I felt his beauty and liveliness as a free soul. We had some chat and my heart was warm and peaceful .
The night following was not a normal cozy night.
I had a long tough night that I suddenly got serious hives all over my body, followed by an overwhelming fear of not being able to breath. I vomited hard. I don’t remember I've experienced this fear before. When it’s nearly morning, I felt so blissful not to have pain, not to feel fear nor nausea, just to lay on bed peacefully.
I was trying to figure out what it is about. I guess it’s spiritual purging that my body and soul wants to clean out something.
The wrong beliefs
Saturday night, I sit by the fireplace asking my angels. What is it I have to release, to let go.
Angel said “ Everyone is a hero in their own life” “You don’t need to pretend who you are not in order to be worthy” “It’s about your self identity” “Be dare to enjoy who you are” “You don’t need to be outstanding to be loved”
I asked so what were the “things” that I released by vomiting? “ Self-judgement. Self limitation. Self-constraint “
“What other people see in you is what they reflect from inside themselves, so does yours” “There’s no you and them in some sense” I was led to experience that I became ashes blending into the sand on earth and I cannot tell what is me what is not anymore, there’s only harmony.
A few past lives scenes also came in, I was suffering from not accepting who I was, no matter it’s about sex orientation or appearance…. I realised in this life I got a “good-easy setting” but I’m still struggling. How clear is it that the obstacle is my own beliefs.
My husband, a psychotherapist, came to hug me. He reminded me that I didn’t get the validation I needed from my parents as a child. They were both from big conservative chinese families with uneasy parents who didn’t know how to express love. Then I realised one thing for the first time : As a child I always try to do the best I can at school, at sport, at art, at everything I can, so that they will praise me, but they didn't. I even got an elite scholarship to fully support my University and living expenses, but I don’t seem to remember I had what I wanted to hear from them ever, esp my father. At work, I tried all my effort to achieve the best I can, became outstanding and recognisable in my field, and earned good money. A typical workaholic. At this second I realized all I wanted was to prove I’m worth being loved. Deep in my heart I need to know my parents love me, butI’ve already trained myself to withdraw from their response so I can survive. I cry out loud like a baby as I realise what I was trying to do all these years.
I also discovered my love for myself is conditional. I wrongly believe I need to be outstanding to be loved. And the most important thing is I realise that I read my parents wrongly from the beginning, of course they love me, they love me the way I am, they love me no matter I’m good or bad, I was focusing on wrong hints that I didn’t recognize their love. Oh god I was so stupid……
I guess I can still be a workaholic as I am. Not out of fear this time, but our of love, love of what I do and what I believe in!
Today, I finally went to search for the song on youtube and look into the lyrics. I burst into tears, filled with love. This is how the love from the universe feels like.
It is a cantonese song, i translate into english below:
No matter why, No matter how along the way, it’s long flowing.
This is the river water, it can cut through Iron and stone
no matter how lame, It rushes forward,
in order to flow into the surging sea
No matter why No matter how along the way, it is long flowing
The love in my arms is like this river
Forever for you and forever reaching to you
It is here for you Today yesterday and the tomorrow
If your eyes are deep sea you have immersed me
Who made me able to love now? Is it you?
I am grateful that we met like river and sea in this life
Your arm bends and merges with me and holds me in
If there is a day we are separated, I will break the mountains and reach to you
I will find a way and flow to you again . Will you wait for me ?