Processing my mom dying:

I went for a walk in nature even though my body didn’t have the energy or strength and my legs kept buckling under me because I knew it was what I needed to do to connect with the Divine and my mom. On my drive to my usual place, I saw an older lady with her walker, which also gave me encouragement that no matter how we feel or how it is sometimes, it’s still good to get out and take our time and be patient and gentle with ourselves.

I was walking in my normal place and a tree called to me as I got close and I felt the call to go stand by the tree. I’m mourning my mom dying and my sickness that I manifested when I got home from being with her for the last 2 weeks of her life then another week of cleaning out her place and going through her things.

I put my hand on the tree as I stood there looking out into the open meadow and was looking at the trees and nature surrounding me and the sky.  I then felt the call to put my back against the tree. The thought of someone walking by and seeing me crossed my mind and then said to myself “I don’t care what anyone else thinks, I need to do this for me”.  I put my back against the tree and placed my hands to each side and put my palms flat against the tree and listened to music on my headphones and it was in Spanish, but it was about the sweet water coming winding down and all my sorrows have come to an end and Pachamama rejoicing. I didn’t know what I was listening to at the time, but I felt the song in my soul and looked up the english lyrics later.  I watched the tree sporadically drop leaves and some leaves were dropped and caught by other leaves so they didn’t fall to the ground.  So the tree was letting go and sometimes it lets go and the other live leaves catch the dead leaves and they cannot be free of the dead leaves until something comes and shakes it off like the wind or movement of the earth.  I used the experience as an opportunity to learn from the tree and to let thoughts that were arising to be let go and dropped off and then shake off the ones that got stuck.  Tears streamed down my face with this process, but also it was beautiful to be so one with nature.  I knew when the process was done because I felt called to continue on with my walk. There was still more work to be done, but just in a different area. Following my intuition I headed on to wherever I was called to next.  I felt something crawling on my hand and it was an ant, I quickly and frantically blew it off and it flew away. I then felt bad and thought, I took that poor ant away from its friends and then just blew it away. Then shortly after another ant was on my shirt and my first reaction was I tried to blow it off. The ant didn’t go anywhere, it hung on tight and I blew like 3 times. I finally realized…it was an opportunity to do something different, so I picked up a leaf from the ground and the ant climbed on it and I carefully set it down on the ground.  It was a reminder to me that we can be changed, but first we react in auto pilot from our experiences/fears and it’s not until we can stop and think before we react that we can make better choices and do something different.  It takes time and practice and being mindfully in the moment.  If there was a third time I could have gently helped the ant get back to where he/she belonged.  Ultimately, everything happens for a reason and maybe the ant needed a change and be moved to a new location. Kind of like our life and the things that happen that can take us to different places physically or emotionally.  An opportunity to learn and grow.

In the process of letting go, the tree is also letting go of the acorns in an effort to plant its seed to grow more oak trees.  Which goes to show how beautiful it can be to let go.

I continued on my walk and felt called to sit next to a dry creek.  As I sat there I realized that even though the water wasn’t currently running through there, the energy of the water was still there and held in the rocks that it had washed over and in the air.  I cannot see the water, but I can feel the water’s energy.  Close your eyes and see the water flowing over the rocks.  Same goes when someone leaves this earth because they have passed away.  Their energy is still with us, we just can’t physically see them. Close your eyes and see them and hug them and feel their touch.  We carry them in our heart.  I continued to watch and feel what was around me. The beautiful birds were different colors like red, black and white, some blue and some brown. They were all so beautiful and different.

I decided it was time to move on and went to another area next to the water. I felt called to sit down again and listened to all the birds that were singing and talking. The frogs making their sounds and the squirrels running around in the bushes chasing each other.  I decided it was time to talk to my mom and get things off my chest that I couldn’t say to her when she was alive.  Sometimes we can’t tell someone things when they are alive, but it’s ok to talk to them after they pass away since I know she was seeing her life review and probably some of mine too. With her passing it brought up things that I have experienced and it was coming out in my dreams, so I know I needed to get it off my chest.  So by sharing it with her I felt like I was able to process and let it go. It’s like I needed her to know for me to let it go completely.  Another way to do this could be to write it all down for your loved one, I was by myself in nature and felt called to release it this way. Listening to your intuition is the best way for your soul to let it go the way it wants to be let go.  The birds were close to me at that point and I just admired their beauty.  It was a balance of sadness and beauty.  My mom can come on walks with me now, I just have to feel her energy in my heart and know she is with me. 

I took my time getting back to the car because my body was weak and tired, but it was worth it to connect with the divine energy through nature and have that healing with nature and my mom and the angels. I spent about 3 hours and did 2 miles.  When I was tired, I rested and pushed myself when I needed to be pushed, but was gentle, patient and kind with my body, mind and spirit.

That evening I went to the lake and sat under the stars and saw shooting stars and deer that came really close to me. My mom liked the last picture I had sent to her when I was near deer there, so I’m sure she appreciated more deer again.  

I watched the lake under the stars and the water was quiet and still and you could clearly see through the water and see the fish and crayfish.  Some clouds came over and the water changed and started to move to where you couldn’t see through the water so clearly anymore, then as the clouds passed the water movement started to slow and visibility was a little more clear.  That just goes to show that sometimes when the storm comes in it can shake stuff up and things may not seem as clear on what to do or what you can see, but know if you can calm the storm, the movement will slow and you can start to see more clearly again.  We are like nature, if we watch nature, we can learn so much from it. 

Sometimes we need support from someone in the physical to help calm our storm, so I’m blessed and grateful for the signs and people that are helping me along the way in physical and spiritual form.

Love Always and Forever

Jennifer